I've been recovering/recuperating/rehabilitating at home since having a hip operation late in November. Prior to the operation I'd been troubled about why I couldn't shift my focus away from the pain in my hip and thereby heal myself - I believe that you get what you think about. A friend asked me to think about how I might benefit from having the operation and trust instead that it was serving a purpose for ME right now. My judgement on that it was about creating space. Space to think. I've become a middle aged man, in broadly the same role in the same industry for many years and have become increasingly bored/dissatisfied with that job in recent times. I've toyed with the idea of working for myself but haven't been committed enough to make it happen, or perhaps have been too frightened of losing the security this role gives me for my family. I'm well paid ...but I know that the thought of doing the same thing for the next 15 or so years and achieving none of my dreams really frightens me. What if I never ........

So I decided that the time off work would be a period of reflection, during which I could decide what I really want in the future. The first few weeks following the operation were tough. I either felt too much pain or too physically tired to seriously think. I hope that's not an excuse. I really didn't feel up to doing anything and it's noticeable to me that more recently I do feel much more active/energetic and up for a challenge - but maybe I'm kidding myself.

I haven't really had an epiphany though. Nothing has washed into my mind and excited me. But I have noticed other things ......

I've noticed how I've come to love walking to collect my young daughter from school (I'm now actively encouraged to exercise) and love wandering home and taking about what we see. I've noticed how I love stopping at the side of the road and waiting for her to look both ways and tell me it's OK to cross before we do. I've noticed I love being home when my older son comes home from school and having deeper conversations about the things that are important to him. I've noticed that I enjoy helping my wife with jobs around the house and having conversations that go deeper than the norm. I've noticed enjoying going in the garden with the kids and building a snowman or throwing snowballs at each other. For comfort I slept in a separate bed for some time after the operation and after that I've noticed how I love sleeping close to someone else. I've noticed that I love being in control of my day rather than allowing others to dictate it for me. I've noticed that slowing down and not needing to rush has created time for me to notice much, much more about the world around me. I've noticed how much I enjoy that. And I've noticed a growing sense of dread that I'll soon be going back to work.

I wonder if I can go back to work and use my enhanced sense of awareness to enjoy my job more. But I have a sense that at work I'd lost touch with who I really am and that the reason I've enjoyed this time at home so much (since the pain subsided at least) is that I've found him again. So the key thing for me now is how do I hold on to who I am and build what I do for a living around that rather than slipping backwards into being the someone else I'd become?